


Bitty's Pie Mafia

by wannabe_someone



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Fluff and Crack, Gen, I stan Vixen with my whole heart and want him to find happiness, Kinda..., M/M, Mafia AU, fic in the time of covid, this will be random and have no update schedule its just all abt the nhl and ncaa pie black market
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-10
Updated: 2020-09-18
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:46:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23577880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wannabe_someone/pseuds/wannabe_someone
Summary: His voice echoed in the empty building until someone stepped out of the shadows. The first thing Poots noticed was the watch: large, gold, gaudy. Obviously expensive. Blond hair, snapback placed over it. Designer sunglasses.The last thing to come into focus was the knife. A large one.“Do you have the goods?”A year ago, Poots would have run away from the man with the knife. Now he knew enough to hide the tremble in his voice, to sound cool, calm, and collected. He reached down into the insulated bag he had brought with him, the bright red package lying at his feet. He unzipped it, revealing the goods. “Fresh. The man himself delivered it.” Poots smirked. “I told him I needed it after we lost to the Sharks.”
Relationships: Eric "Bitty" Bittle/Jack Zimmermann
Comments: 35
Kudos: 75





	1. The Black Market

**Author's Note:**

> sticks and scones... the ending made me cry literal tears
> 
> also happy easter and chag pesach sameach to every other jew out there, ive literally had to say to my dad that g-d wouldn't care if we ate non kosher salsa bc it was that or a grocery run and tbh, stay safe y'all, ur safety should come first
> 
> also thx to mom for telling me that it would be logical for holster to be delivering pies to the sabres around pesach

Poots looked around nervously, trying to spot anyone else who might be lurking in the shadows. “You know I can’t stay here for long!” 

His voice echoed in the empty building until someone stepped out of the shadows. The first thing Poots noticed was the watch: large, gold, gaudy. Obviously expensive. Blond hair, snapback placed over it. Designer sunglasses.

The last thing to come into focus was the knife. A large one.

“Do you have the goods?”

A year ago, Poots would have run away from the man with the knife. Now he knew enough to hide the tremble in his voice, to sound cool, calm, and collected. He reached down into the insulated bag he had brought with him, the bright red package lying at his feet. He unzipped it, revealing the goods. “Fresh. The man himself delivered it.” Poots smirked. “I told him I needed it after we lost to the Sharks.”

The man in front of him laughed. “I saw that game. Refs must have been shitfaced to miss that much.”

“Last night, I was pretty sure Zimms was going to drop gloves. Surprised no one saw the smoke. He was so pissed, he couldn’t say anything.”

Poots placed it on the table he’d been leaning on. The man finally stepped into full view of the light. And there he was, the prodigy himself, Kent Parson. Poots couldn’t help but wonder why he got the pies in secret. He’d been at Zimms and Bitty’s wedding last summer, after all. But he kept his musings to himself.

Kent raised the knife, the sunlight glinting off the blade, and plunged it right into the middle of the pie. Filling oozed around the gash, a deep purple blue. Slowly, carefully, Kent dipped his finger into the pool of filling and tasted it.

“A genuine Bittle.” He nodded at Poots, almost smiling. Then his expression turned inquisitive. “Is this… raspberry?”

“Mixed berry.” Poots shrugged. “What can I say, man, I just got what he’d baked.”

“No, it’s… it’s good.” Kent cleaned off the knife, putting it back in the side pocket of his bag. “See you Sunday?” 

“We’re playing you.”

“I know. You’d better be ready.”

The two men exchanged a bro-like fist bump, then parted ways. No talking, no nothing, just purely business. Poots watched Kent get into his car and drive off before he picked up his phone.

_ Bitty _

_ Poots: It’s done _

_ Bitty: Thanks honey! Idk what I’d do without you! :) _

Poots couldn’t help but laugh. Everyone thought that Bitty was innocent and would never hurt a fly, but he was his mama’s boy, through and through. Anyone who thought he didn’t have a bit of a devious streak was dead wrong.

Poots put his phone away, then walked to his car. He had to get to practice at some point, and he didn’t want to tip off anyone as to what he was doing, especially George.

Back in his kitchen, Bitty was baking. He was almost always baking, between his job and the stress he went through. However, being married to a NHL player did have its benefits, most notably, a lot of time where Jack was away. Whenever Jack was gone, he did all of his other baking in secret. Back when his goods were just for the Falconers, he could relax, as Jack knew about everything. But he’d expanded, so baking in secret it was.

As he put his last pie (for now) in the oven, he looked at the excel sheet in front of him, lovingly organized by Ransom. He’d just gotten confirmation that his delivery to an Aces player was done, so now all he had was a gigantic order for the Pens, done through Bad Bob himself. (Bitty was pretty sure he knew the player, but he didn’t pry.) He had also finished the order for the Sabres, sending it home with Holster, who was visiting family for Passover. (Bitty had also sent him home with some macarons, since they were kosher for Passover, apparently, and Bitty liked the challenge.)

Squinting at the spreadsheet, he realized that everything was in order, except for one thing, and it was major. With shaking fingers, he sent a text to everyone involved.

_ Bitty’s Pie Mafia _

_ Bitty: I forgot about George. Goodbye y’all, it’s been nice knowing u _

Quickly, Bitty glanced at everything around the kitchen, trying to figure out what he could make to satisfy George. He wasn’t above bribery, after all, and providing her with some sweet treats right around when he was making large deliveries kept her from noticing. He shifted into hyperdrive, whipping up some of her favorite treats as quickly as possible. Once they were done, he put on a perfect outfit - jeans, almost indecently tight, a button down, and converse. He tried to look as innocent as possible - with the exception of the jeans, of course. He had been a NCAA player, and he might as well show off the body it got him.

Quickly, he climbed into the car, securing his goods, and speeding the entire way to Providence.

However, he got there too late. As he made his way to George’s office, he heard the whispers. None of it was good. He was led into her office, and as he walked in, she shut the door.

“Sit down, Eric.”

George sounded stern, but not angry. She slowly walked around her office, arms held behind her back. 

“What can I do for you, ma’am?” Bitty squeaked. He didn’t mean to, but he was in danger, and incredibly intimidated. It wasn’t his fault for being nervous.

“I found out about what you were doing. I’m impressed.” Finally, she stopped pacing, sitting down in her chair. “I really shouldn’t have underestimated you.”

“Why, thank you.” Bitty shifted around in his chair, unnerved by George’s stare.

She kept her eyes on him. “I can’t say I’m happy about it; the diet plans do exist for a reason, but our players generally follow it.” She laughed. “I’m surprised that it’s for everyone, though. And Poots was late to practice. I don’t want that to happen again.”

Bitty relaxed, knowing he was on familiar territory now. “What do you want?”

“Mini pies for my entire staff, and for you to stop making my players late. And your blackberry jam, my wife and I love it.”

Bitty extended a hand over her desk to shake. “It’s a deal.”

After they shook hands, George led him out of her office. “I assume Jack doesn’t know?”

“Yes. I’d like to keep it that way.”

“I’ll keep your secrets. But you have to deliver on your side of the bargain. And maybe more, or I’ll tell Jack.”

Bitty gulped, knowing he met his match. “Whatever you say… ma’am.”

George smiled, sharp and cunning, towering over him in her heels. “I’m glad you agree.”

She led him out the door to his car, already thinking of ways she could use this deal.


	2. Betrayal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Oh, Dex. Dex, Dex, Dex. I honestly thought you were better than this.”
> 
> a continuation of the Aunt judy v Suzanne jam feud

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me? posting out of boredom? it's more likely than you think

“Oh, Dex. Dex, Dex, Dex. I honestly thought you were better than this.”

Bitty was pacing back and forth, his arms crossed, Lardo, Ransom, and Holster behind him. Ransom started to hold out the fine jar, but Lardo stopped him, putting her hand on his arm. “Fines will just go back to him.” She smirked. “Let’s let Bitty deal with this.”

Bitty continued monologuing. “You know, I thought you had promise. Your business was booming. You had everything you wanted, the captaincy, the basement, a way to torment the Tadpoles, but… you still betrayed me.” 

Dex went pale, so pale every single freckle was visible. “I- I didn’t know it was such a big deal?”

Bitty scoffed. “Oh, bless your heart. You know it’s a big deal. I know you watched those videos, DEX. But you still did it.”

Dex straightened up, starting to spit words back into Bitty’s face. “I knew exactly what I was doing. Your mother’s jam is better than Aunt Judy’s ever was. Everyone here agrees.”

Behind his back, Chowder and Nursey nodded in agreement. As soon as Bitty saw them, he went bright red. “Nursey. Chowder. I did everything for you, and now this!” Bitty turned around, head in his hands, walking out of the locker room. As he left, Lardo, Ransom and Holster trailing behind, they could hear his mutterings of ‘bless your sweet, hockey playing hearts,’ getting quieter and quieter.

Dex waited until he couldn’t hear Bitty to close the door. Then he sat down in his stall, head in hands, Chowder and Nursey in front of him. Nursey put a hand on his shoulder. 

“You did great, babe.”

Dex smiled, but it was fleeting. “They’re going to come back.”

At that announcement, even Chowder lost his excitement. All three of them went quiet, trying to figure out what to do. Nursey was the first one to come to the obvious conclusion. “Look, it’s chill. You still have Suzanne’s number, right? You can just call her.”

A chilling smile spread across Dex’s face. “They’ll never know what hit them. Let’s do it.”

Nursey pulled his phone out of his pocket, then opened it. The call was picked up before the first ring ended.

“Oh hello, honey! How can I help you?”

Nursey smiled. “ Hi Mrs. Bittle. We may need you. I can pay for you to come up to Samwell.”

Suzanne gasped. “Oh, goodness. Is someone hurt? What happened?”

“Dex’s been using your jam recipe and Bitty found out.”

“I’ll come right away.”

“Already on it Mrs. B.”

Back at Bitty’s house, Lardo, Holster and Ransom watched as their friend anxiously paced around the living room, having a heated conversation over the phone. From what little they heard, they thought it wasn’t going well, judging by the frequency of Bitty saying ‘bless their hearts’. Then the magic moment came - a promise of plane tickets, first class.

Bitty charged in, looking ecstatic. “Y’all, we got her!!”

“Your Aunt Judy? She’s coming?” Lardo looked surprised. “I thought-”

“Oh, heavens no. I’ve already dealt with that part of my family.”

From where he was hunched over his laptop, Ransom chimed in. “That’s great Bitty, but we still need someone to judge. Someone impartial.”

Right then, Bitty’s phone vibrated, and he pulled it out. “It’s fine! Just got a text from Dex, apparently the Crickets are going to judge? I have no idea who they are, but I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

“When’s the competition?”

“In two days. I’m so glad Aunt Judy will be here, lord knows I’m going to be making a lot of jam.”

The next two days passed in a flurry of preserving fruits. At each separate house, teams labored, trying to make the perfect jam, hoping to win the competition. They got up early on the second day, loading cars with crates of jam. The Crickets were told that they had to go to the Pond, as it was required for rookies. It was all made up, but they didn’t know that.

At 9 that morning, the standoff began, opposing sides facing each other. Aunt Judy and Suzanne nodded at each other, but otherwise refused to meet each other's gaze. The Crickets ran onto the open field, starting to apologize for being late, but stopped as soon as they saw the situation.

Bitty smiled. “Gentlemen, take your seats.”

He gestured at the table they’d set up, with 3 spots, one per Cricket. One of them spoke out, obviously confused. 

“What’s going on here?”

The two others quickly shut it down, one of them hissing “shut up touille!”, the other obviously trying not to laugh. A few people saw the situation and crept closer, the start of what would eventually become a crowd. Bitty strode up in front of the table and started to speak.

“I’m Bitty, the former SMH captain. During my time on the team, I provided them- and many others- with a supply of fresh pies, cookies, and most importantly, jam.” 

Bitty had started to pace back and forth. Everyone took a step back, realizing that this would not end well.

“I hoped that Dex would become my successor. But I came back to find that he’d been using my mother’s recipe, not Aunt Judy’s, which is clearly superior.” Bitty spread his arms, about to announce something. “That is why we have gathered here. A contest, to figure out, once and for all, which jam is better; Mama’s or Aunt Judy’s!”

Bitty stopped, waiting for a dramatic reveal, maybe some whispering. All he got were some confused stares. At the table, there was a quiet, whispered discussion.

“What do we do, Rhodey?”

“Do I look like I know? I guess we just go along with it.”

During that time, a coin was presented, and Dex was awarded the first taste. He had brought his best jam- a simple strawberry, with just a bit of rhubarb. The three tasted, then convened. It was good jam, sure, but would it measure up?

Bitty’s jam was presented, a delicious pluot jam, full of flavor. The same one he gave to his boyfriend.

The whispers grew louder as the two teams stared at each other from opposite ends of the clearing. Finally, the Crickets came to a decision. 

“It’s a tie.”

Both sides erupted into yelling, cursing, promising revenge, until a voice broke the silence.

“ENOUGH!”

Ford strode through, clipboard in hand, obviously at her most intimidating. “We can do this another day, but right now, we have practice! Come on, guys! I had to fight with so many people for this!”

As they left, Bitty glared over his shoulder. 

“I will make you pay… Poindexter.”


	3. Revenge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tater hadn’t really meant to become a hitman. It was all unintentional, really. He’d just met Zimmboni, and Bitty, and the rest of Samwell Men’s Hockey, and the rest was history.
> 
> He snapped back to attention as the man pacing in front of him called his name. “Tater, honey? I have something I need you to do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi y'all im back after the end of the school year and finishing camp nano  
> im not sorry about ghosting anyone i just didn't feel like writing and im done now, so here's another chapter

Tater hadn’t really meant to become a hitman. It was all unintentional, really. He’d just met Zimmboni, and Bitty, and the rest of Samwell Men’s Hockey, and the rest was history.

He snapped back to attention as the man pacing in front of him called his name. “Tater, honey? I have something I need you to do.”

There was no mistaking the malice on Bitty’s face.

“What is it?”

Bitty smiled. “I need you to take care of Dex.”

“How?”

He smiled. “I’m sure you’ll find a way. And if not-” Bitty stepped back, cutting into a cooling pie, juice dripping out of the edges. “I can deal with him myself.”

Tater swallowed as Bitty placed the fresh slice in front of him. Not for the first time, he realized exactly how much the juicy filling looked like blood.

The problem with his target being Dex was that Tater’s usual methods were useless. Most of the time, revenge was enacted on ice; dirty checks, dropping gloves, and, as always, a hissed message in his target’s ear. “From Bitty. With love.”

This took planning. Narrowly making it to practice, barely avoiding George’s wrath. Late nights tailing Dex. Using his influence with Ransom to find out about kegsters. Charming a practice schedule from their manager, Ford.

He liked Ford. She was a good manager, able to take charge of a group of rowdy hockey players using only her voice. If he introduced her to George and Lardo he’d bet that the trio would have taken over the world in a week.

A week later, tired but full of hope, he showed up at Bitty and Jack’s apartment. He covertly let himself in, using the key Bitty had given him. A privilege for being his right hand man. Bitty was still awake, with Jack sleeping in their bedroom. Tater understood. After yesterday’s game, he wanted to sleep the day away too. Unfortunately, his extra job meant he had other plans.

Bitty was at the counter, focusing on his laptop, hunched over some half-edited video. He quickly saved it, jumping up to feed his guest. Wiping his hands on his apron, he greeted Tater with a quick “Hello, honey! You want anything?”

Tater grinned. There were a few perks to being Bitty’s hitman. “Whatever baking is good. I won’t tell George.” 

Bitty sighed. “Lord. After the fiasco at the beginning of the season I’ve become her staff’s personal mini pie provider. In secret! Do you know how hard that is?”

The blond rushed over to the fridge, pulling out a small sandwich cookie and presenting it to the hulking d-man. “I was just working on the video for these.”

Tater held it gingerly before taking a bite. The flavors exploded in his mouth. “Carrot cake?”

He gobbled down the rest of the cookie as Bitty answered. “Carrot cake cookies. I’m trying to expand my repertoire and someone on twitter suggested them.” He stood back. “What do you need?”

Tater leaned back against the counter, exhausted. “I need pluot jam. Just a little jar.”

“Oh, honey, you’re in luck!” Bitty reached into a cabinet, jimmying the back in just the right way to get to the small stash of jam jars. “I was just making some yesterday. Anything you want me to say on the label?”

Tater waved a hand. “Anything you think Dex would like.”

Bitty turned around. “Going to the kegster tonight?” His voice was deceptively casual.

“Planning to.”

Bitty fished a pen out of a drawer, writing a message in his messy scrawl, and handed it to Tater along with a small bag of carrot cake cookies. “For your work.”

Tater looked back at the baker as he walked out the door. “Thanks, B!”

The kegster was easy to get into, guided by the lights, the drunk people, and the pounding bass. He walked in the door without getting confronted, waving away the offers of tub juice. He knew it could never beat Shitty’s recipe. Seeing the beer pong table, he briefly thought about playing, but it wouldn’t be the same without Lardo. Carefully, he headed to the dance floor, where Nursey was drunkenly talking a stranger’s ear off, bragging about his boyfriend. Scanning the room, he saw Dex, alone in a corner. Tater knew he’d never really been a party person.

He casually walked over to him, grabbing his arm, leading him into the kitchen. Dex didn’t protest. Good. He was smart. Nobody else was in there, so he knew this was the right time to strike. He settled in front of Dex, ready to reveal his surprise.

Dex should have realized that something was wrong when he saw a hulking shape walking through the crowd. He’d retreated into a corner, trying to get away from the crowd as much as he could while still on Nursey patrol.

Once he realized it was Tater, he didn’t resist as the man dragged him into the kitchen. Resisting would get him nowhere.

“Don’t worry. Your boyfriend will be fine. Can’t promise you anything.” Tater smiled, revealing even, blindingly white teeth. Logically, Dex knew some of them were fake, but in the dark room, the perfection was unsettling.

Tater reached into the pocket of his jacket, banging a jar on the table next to Dex. He tried not to flinch. “Bitty says hello.”

The d-man left before Dex could respond. Then he examined the jar. A jam jar. He unscrewed the top, dipping his finger in and taking a lick. Pluot jam. A promise of bad luck to come. Dex knew where the tradition had started. He had his own version of this jam. A better one. Suzanne’s recipe.

Dex turned the jar around, reading at the papery label. Can’t wait to see you -B :)

Ford, Chowder, and Nursey found him the next morning, staring at the jam jar. He stared up at their concerned faces. “Bitty will pay. Even if it’s the last thing I do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the cookies are real. i think this is the recipe i used
> 
> https://celebratingsweets.com/carrot-cake-sandwich-cookies/


	4. The Wedding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kent: i was going to explain  
> Kent: we have all been invited to Bitty and Zimms wedding  
> Kent: and most of us are sadly single  
> Kent: so there was competition for being a +1 to get the famed bittle pies  
> Kent: were here bc we all gave people shit so we could eat some awesome pies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> credits to dad for this idea bc he's right about the betting over beign a +1  
> some slight referenced homophobia and acephobia here
> 
> also Rachel is a trans woman whos married to George, she played in juniors before she came out and kinda decided to not keep playing hockey bc of the discrimination
> 
> and i will not apologize for my sabres slander they legitamitely suck

Kent: soooo….did u get those invitations too

Poots: You’re bringing Swoops, aren’t you?

Kent: im adding everyone now

Tater: Where is little b? I thought he was in thsi chat?

Swoops: No. Just the NHL players.

Kent: i needed someone who understood my pain

Poppy: ur the best in league? pain? who is that?

Rook: mood

Kent: i am… always in pain… vixen… save me

Vixen: no im switzerland

Rook: finally a bigger nerd than i am

Vixen: U PLAY CHESS FOR FUN!!!!!!

Poots: Who the fuck are you?

Kent: i was going to explain

Kent: we have all been invited to Bitty and Zimms wedding

Kent: and most of us are sadly single

Kent: so there was competition for being a +1 to get the famed bittle pies

Kent: were here bc we all gave people shit so we could eat some awesome pies

Poppy: i came for my bro Ransom

Tater: i thought he was my bro

Tater: :(

Poppy: i play for canada 

Poppy: got to stick with my canadian bro

Vixen: do i count

Vixen: timmys forever?

Poppy: shut up u play for buffalo

Vixen: WE COUNT OK?

Swoops: Quick question: how much did you pay?

Swoops: Because the rest of us know Bitty.

Rook: and i mean *know* bitty

Swoops: Thank u.

Poppy: 500 dollars i outbidded everyone else on the team

Vixen: funny story

Vixen: i may have ran into holster crying in the bathroom after we lost

Kent: *again*

Vixen: fuck u

Rook: it is statistically impossible for u to make the playoffs

Kent: *again*

Vixen: i got it for 50 bucks and a promise that we would win at some point

Rook: dude thats sad

Vixen: He WAs CRyInG In A BAtHrOOM

Vixen: i didnt knw what else to do

Vixen: and i wanted the goods he only comes like once or twice a year and bittys baking is better than sex

Rook: sounds fake but ok

Tater: is true. I kinow it

Kent: why were u in the bathroom in the actual arena

Vixen: ...i have no sense of direction

Vixen: and also what was i supposed to do?

Swoops: That is still super ducking sad.

Swoops: *fucking sad

Rook: haha lame old man

Kent: i berak my phone of that in like the first fucking day

Vixen: ppl still have spellcheck

Vixen: weird

Swoops: U play for the Sabres.

Poots: That’s very true.

George: You’re late for practice. 

Poots: …

Tater: …

Rook: gtg

Poppy: is george always this terrifying

Tater: yes

George: Get the fuck on the ice.

Kent: ok i will c u later

Vixen: boi

Poppy: sk8r boi

Vixen: i have worked hard to forget that phase stop reminding me

Poppy: u started it

Poots: Calm down, children. I am facing the wrath of George for this.

Vixen: gtg

Poppy: gtg

Poots: Good.

_____

  
  


Swoops: Vixen. I need your help.

Vixen: wut

Swoops: The wedding is black tie. I don’t know what to do.

Vixen: why do u think i know anything

Swoops: Your name is Vixen? And somehow that seems like a stripper name? So I guessed that you would know about fashion?

Vixen: my name is fucking vinchenzo and my dads call me vic

Vixen: its a nickname especially since im like the least sexual person alive

Vixen: can everyone please stop assuming im allosexual for once????

Swoops: … okay.

Kent: sorry i heard that another gay was in danger

Swoops: What the fuck is going on in this chat?

Rook: Its gay do u have a problem with that

Tater: i kill anyone who is homophobic 

Tater: ok?

Poppy: so cna we find out what this is about

George: Kent is gay and Vixen is asexual. And nobody knew anything. Now we’re seeing how everyone reacts.

Vixen: and i will not be anyones personal wikipedia just fucking look it yp

Poots: Sex repulsed?

Vixen: yea how did u know abt this

Poots: My girlfriend.

Tater: she knows we know?

Poots: Yes. And she’s fine with it.

Swoops: So, about the black tie bit?

Rook: ask kent

Swoops: Isn’t that kind of homophobic?

Rook: no i just followed him on ig and he has a purple suit in the back of his closet

Rook: he talked about suits on his story once

Rook: he has opinions

Vixen: black tie=penguin suit

Vixen: im going to look like a undertaker from a horror movie

Rook: not my fault u never grew out of ur emo phase

Poppy: just how insane is bitty

Kent:...

Kent: we have failed him

Tater: when i got hit by puck, he came to apartment before me with get well soon pie

Kent: hes sent tater to intimidate anyone who interfered in the mafia

Rook: when i got to the falcs i had a weeks worth of food in my home and that was before the welcome dinner

Poots: He threatened me at one point? But I don’t know because it sounded so polite?

Swoops: He’s… not that bad?

Swoops: Once u get to know him?

George: He’s the only person who might even be a threat to my power.

Swoops: The wedding is going to be insane, isn’t it?

Kent: but the desserts

Rook: i would kill for them

Tater: i have threatened for them

Vixen: i would have sex for them

Vixen: and it is literally the most disgusting thing i can imagine

Kent: u literally comforted someone who was crying in a public bathroom

Rook: YOu CAnT JUsT pICk wHere U hAve uR MeNtAl bReAkDowN

Rook: ok

Snowy: I’m betting 5 dessert courses, at a minimum.

Tater: peach crumble

Kent: the man has called it

Rook: bittys fancy right

Rook: im betting there will be something insane for one of them like macarons

Poppy: macaroons are disgusting

Vixen: ur allergic to coconut

Poots: Macarons, not macaroons. They are totally different things. Macaroons are hunks of coconut and other stuff. Macarons are fiddly French sandwich cookies that take insane amounts of time, powdered sugar, and egg whites.

Poots: You should know this, Vixen. Every time Holster comes home for Passover he brings the Sabres some of the macarons Bitty made for him.

Vixen: how do u know this

Poots: I do distribution.

Poots: Which is why I’m saying that there will be five dessert courses in this exact order: pie, cobbler, crumble, a fancy french thing, and then a wedding cake.

Poots: The service will take hours.

Poots: And Shitty will be limited to one remark about the amazingness of Zimmermann’s ass in his speech.

Poots: He will sneak a subtle fuck word in, and then will be murdered by Bitty after.

Rook: I have spoken.

Poots: What?

Vixen: only the nerds will understand

Kent: bittys going to make tiramisu for the wedding

Tater: no cheating allowed kenny

Tater: i will check

Kent: its just a guess im not secretly texting bitty

Tater: r u?

Poppy: r u tho?

Rook: theyre in synch now were all dead

Poots: Attack of the Russians.

Poppy: fuck u im canadian too

Snowy: It’s a hockey double threat.

George: It’s a summer wedding, right? Rachel is telling me that they’re probably going to go with a vanilla cake with lemon curd. 

George: She says it’s classy.

Rachel: Because it is. This is why I planned our wedding, honey. Chocolate cake in July cannot happen.

George: Also thanks for trusting us, Kent and Vixen. If your teams do anything… the Falcs will always be there for you.

George: ;)

Kent: were we just threatened

Vixen: no we were coerced

Kent: yea yea whatever college boy

Kent: also i cant wait to hear what shitty has to say about zimms ass bc its awe isnpiring 

Poppy: it really is

Snowy: I am a straight, married NHL player, and I have never seen a hockey butt like Jack Zimmermann’s.

Tater: i agree is very nice

Tater: ;)

Vixen: i had daydreams… about the ass

Kent: i thot u were ace

Vixen: … it looks squishable

Vixen: also thot very funny

Rachel: My wife is a lesbian and she is in awe of that ass.

Poots: How have I never heard of you? I thought you played hockey?

Rachel: In Juniors. But I was known by another name back then.

Kent: queer level - 10,000

Rachel: Exactly. 

Rook: this is how the nhl should be

Snowy: Very true.

Rachel: Be right back. I need to restrain George before she goes insane and starts to plan assassinations of some cishet NHL officials.

Kent: why r u stopping her

Kent: i can provide her with a list

Vixen: do players count to

Vixen: bc i have some people who i want to be taken care of

Rachel: You reclaimed your nickname, didn’t you?

Vixen: i cant confirm or deny that statement

Rook: its a yes

Tater: who was it 

Tater: they will get no pie

Poots: I agree. I can share the list with Bitty.

Snowy: Cutting off the pie supply is an amazing way to get someone to see the error of their ways.

Rachel: The crisis is over, but for fuck’s sake, send the list to Bitty privately.

Rachel: I’m calling Jack because we’re going to run interference for a bit.

Rook: *shakes head*

Rook: theres only so much amazingness this world can handle

Vixen: can i help them take over the world

Vixen: it would fulfill my lifelong dream

Kent: also can they get me a bf

Kent: nobody is willing to date someone whos closeted

George: Some Falcs players are retiring this year and I could get the no trade clause magically erased.

George: You would need to piss off management, but I don’t think that would be hard.

Kent: ill come out to them after we win the cup

Rook: bold of u to assume wed let u

Tater: u r good, but have u ever beaten us

Kent: i remember many times

Tater: when there was no cheating

Kent … i wasnt involved

Vixen: never making the playoffs club?

Poppy: never making the playoffs club

Snowy: Go the fuck to sleep, children.

Vixen: *hisses at snowy and poots*

Poots: I will read you a bedtime story and you will enjoy it.

Rook: im not afraid of u

Kent: yea dad

Tater: i’m good child

Tater: good night

Poots: Go the fuck to sleep. We have to beat the Sharks tomorrow.

Rook: fuck the sharks

Vixen: except for chris chow

Kent: except for chris chow

Poppy: u think george is trying to poach him too

Vixen: idk bro

Vixen: good night

_____

Kent: im bored

Kent: the service is taking forever

Tater: is nothing

Tater: if u have vodka

Tater: )

Kent: can i have some

Snowy: If you make me act like a parent, I swear to fuck, I will hunt you down and kill you.

Vixen: it sint that bad just go to sleep

Kent: which would be easier if i had vodka

George: Can you pass me the bottle?

Poppy: same even tho it would take teh whole bottle to get me drunk

Kent: we all knw ur a lightweight poppy

Vixen: u sure ur not drunk already

Vixen: u suck at spelling

Rachel: George, you’re an adult. Please act like it.

George: Fine.

Snowy: I’m taking your phones as well.

Vixen: noooo

Vixen: dad

Snowy: It’s for your own good.

Kent: im cold and its getting dark

Poppy: goodbye forever

Rachel: You’ll be fine.

_____

  
  
  


Vixen: phoney!!!!!!!!

Vixen: i love you!!!!!!!

Poppy: snowy took my vodka

Tater: my vodka

Kent: come to vegas, tater, and ill give u all the vodka u want

Tater:))))))

Kent: ;)

Vixen: queer level - 1000000

Kent: u wish u got paid that much

_____

Poppy: can someone explain why people are yelling about jam

Rook: not it

Snowy: I’ll do it.

Poots: I can do it.

Rook: was snowy always such a dad

George: No. He just can’t get over how young you rookies are.

Rook: if u pinch my cheeks i will end u

Vixen: *pinch*

Rook: prepare to die

Snowy: Not at the wedding, please!

Tater: i would not like to have to kill u

Rook: at the afterparty then

Vixen: jokes on u i have a sword in my car

_____

Rook: were on the crumble course right

Rook: bc its peach

Rook: we all owe tater 50 bucks

Poots: You also owe me. I called that it would be pie, cobbler, then crumble.

Vixen: no u didnt

Rook: hes right, i have a screenshot

Poots: Vindication!!!!!!!

Poppy: Bone!!!!!

Vixen: I’ve only had Bitty for a day and a half, but if anything happened to him, I would kill everyone in this room and then myself.

Snowy: What the fuck.

Kent: u dont know b99

Kent: ur life is sad

George: He can join my lovely wife in the sad zone.

Snowy: ?

George: SAD.

George: ZONE.

_____

Kent: theres tiramisu pay up bitches

Vixen: technically im not a bitch i dont have a mom

Kent: ok

Kent: pay up dudebro

Vixen: thats worse

_____

George: You’re money from the cake bet all goes to Rachel’s next mani-pedi, so I’d pay up. She wants acrylics.

Kent: oh i assumed she topped

George: I can refuse to get you out of Vegas.

Kent: ok

Kent: i take back what i just said

Kent: youre totally in charge

_____

Kent: ik the wedding is over, but this gc is forever right

Tater: always

Tater: ;)

Poppy: what happens in vegas…

Rook: doesnt stay in vegas

Rook: i want deets

Vixen: *projectile vomits*

Rook: in private ofc

Rook: this is a good christian minecraft server

Vixen: im leaving goodbye

Vixen: but this gc truly will be forever

Johnson: and maybe you will see what happens next time, but this is just here because the author couldn't figure out how to wrap this shit up. So G'night/G'day everybody! and this 4th wall break was brought to you by her waning attention span. Don't forget to like, comment, and subscribe!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ik some stuff is ooc, but snowy's kinda old and tater has always struck me as the kind of dude who never takes anything seriously  
> this is totally canon in this universe and i wanna write more stuff with the 3 rookies aka rook, vixen, and poppy


End file.
